Abandonment

2.2

Abandonment trauma is an effect that surprised me. I had both of my parents around growing up. When I was researching the effects caused by physical abuse, I didn't expect this one to be relevant to me. Thankfully I still researched it because it hit home and explained a lot.

You don't have to have a parent walk away from you to have the effects of abandonment. It can simply just be not having the love of a parent.

I can probably count on one hand the number of times I heard my dad say he loved me or hugged me. Looking back, his actions didn't show me either. Growning up, it's not really something I realized was happening until I was older and raised my own daughter that I understood what being a loving parent is. Age and experience taught me the damage caused by not being a loving parent.

It wasn't until researching abandonment that I realized that this caused several behaviors in me that I need to address and here are a couple of mine.

1. Basic needs are not being met. We have only a few basic needs, food, shelter, and security. When one of these isn't met, it creates a hole that we long to find. I call this part core values. We look to our parents to establish our core values and when one or both of them do not meet these core values, it leaves a feeling that something is missing and we long to find it. Often, we aren't even sure of what we are looking for. I feel this is why we seek attention, often negatively because we want to feel loved which is part of security, to feel safe, is to feel loved.

2. Trust issues. Love from our parents is one of our most basic needs. Having been let down by a parent by not experiencing their love, makes it difficult to trust others. I'm always under the impression others will let me down. I feel I take extra care trying not to let other people down. I'm always thinking about being supportive of family and friends, and being there when they need me. I think about things I say so I don't hurt feelings carelessly. So when someone else, in my opinion, does something or says something that I feel is careless and lets me down, this is just more proof that people can't be trusted. But let me be clear, it's not usually small things that I look for, it's the bigger relationship issues I'm referring to here. One can argue that people are human and everyone makes mistakes and I know you are right. But I still feel hurt and will put up my shields regardless. It oftens changes my views of my relationship with that person.

3. Loneliness. Even when surrounded by people who support us, care about us, and even love us, we can feel loneliness. I personally think this is because of the "missing core value". For me, I feel if I make a deep connection with someone, I don't feel the loneliness until they have let me down in some form or another. It doesn't matter if it was unintentional, I struggle with how to handle that relationship going forward. I don't often end those relationships, depending on the severity of the incident, but I will put my guard up and not feel as comfortable as I once had.

4. Constantly looking for signs of potential abandonment. This one gets me a lot. I feel every time I say or do something that I feel upsets someone else, I expect that relationship to end. I don't expect them to forgive me. I think this is the most dangerous for me because I often hold back my thoughts and feelings. Those who know me might be shocked to hear that I hold back thoughts and feelings. I agree I am outspoken and will tell you the truth and how it is. Most people feel comfort knowing I won't sugarcoat the truth and will speak my mind to help them. But it can also backfire when someone asks me for the truth and isn't willing to hear it. But truly, I will often think long and hard about responding to someone because I'm considering how they will react and finally come to the conclusion that they feel they can say and do what they want, so if they get upset with me for doing the same, then maybe those aren't the people I need in my life.

I'm not saying any of this is the right way to handle these trauma effects nor is this the full extent of my experience. If you would have told me 20 years ago this was me, I would have told you that you were crazy. If you see yourself here, I recommend you find a good counselor to help you explore your feelings safely. If you ever come out of a session with a therapist and don't feel helped, listened to, or on a good track to healing, find another counselor. Life is too short and you deserve to live your best life You deserve to invest in yourself.