1.4
One of the saddest things about that evening was how much my mom worried about what my dad was going to do that night, where would he go, where would he sleep. She wasn't thinking about herself, just that he had no place to go. This told me she wasn't ready to give him up yet. This is a moment I regret not trying to talk her into leaving him. If I would have been stronger at this time, I believe I could have saved her.
I decided to spend the night at her house, positive he would come back, and afraid of what he might do either to Franklin or to her.
2:00am, I was barely asleep on their couch when he returned. First words out of his mouth were, "Why is that f--king dog still here!" I said he's staying, you can leave. He didn't utter another word to me and went into their bedroom where my mom was asleep. I listened carefully and could hear mumbling but couldn't make out much of what was said. I mistakenly thought maybe this time, he would finally apologize to her, finally stop thinking about himself, and finally start thinking about her. But I was wrong.
She told me about all the things he said, and with her convincing, he did agree to go to counseling, which shocked me. Narcissists don't believe they need counseling because they are never the problem. Everyone else is.
He also told her one thing that enraged me. "You turned my daughter against me!" My mom truly felt that it was her fault that I didn't like my dad, that I had stood up to him the evening before. I told her, "No, I hate him because of him. He's the one who earned my feelings towards him." I know my mom. Regardless of what I told her, she would forever blame herself. I hate him even more for doing that to her. I hate him because when she sat there the evening before looking at me, begging for my help and crying, he didn't even care. He didn't show any kind of remorse for putting her into that state, for making her feel that way. That memory still punches me in the gut today. To see my mom, someone who as a child I looked up to and thought was so strong, begging for my help.
But it was also the day that I found the anger and the courage to stand up to what I considered the biggest bully of my life. I had always feared him and would even have dreams about him. But not after that day. That is the day that changed my life in so many ways which I will go into in future posts. But it is also a day that started down the path to where we are today.
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