1.5
Brian, my brother, is one year younger than me. In fact, he was born on my 1st birthday. I will always jokingly say that he was a terrible birthday present, but in fact, he is my hero. Unfortunately, he took the brunt of my dad's anger, and I didn't even realize how bad it really was. We grew up together, and I knew he got in trouble all the time, but I was told different reasons than the truth. There are several instances, so I'll just explain a few.
Brian was about 8 years old and had to start seeing a counselor. I was told it was because he was having trouble in school, so dad needed to spend more time with him. I wasn't told it was because dad beat him all the time. Way more often than what I got. Because of this, Brian thought I was a goodie two-shoes as he put it. I thought he was just always naughty, and if would just behave, then it wouldn't happen.
I knew that my dad always wanted a daughter, and they weren't expecting Brian. I now believe this was part, if not all, of why he took all the beatings. He was born a boy.
One of the things that came out of counseling was my dad was supposed to make a point to spend time with Brian. So, Saturday afternoons, they would maybe go to a local arcade or do other fun activities. My child brain didn't understand what was going on, so I viewed it as, he's naughty so he gets to do fun things and I do what I'm supposed to do, and I don't get to do those things?! It didn't seem fair. I brought this up and then they started rotating Saturday afternoons. One time I got to go; the next time Brian got to go. They couldn't afford to take us both and I didn't know that it was the one-on-one time that was at the heart of this. I think a couple of the times that it was supposed to be my turn, Brian was brought along and part of me understood, and part of me thought it wasn't fair that I had to share. Unfortunately, those Saturdays only lasted maybe a couple of months and then dad stopped taking either of us. My uncle tried stepping in and we got a few more Saturdays out of the deal, but that too soon faded. I feel terrible that I took that time away from my brother. Maybe if he and my dad could have spent more time together, my dad would have noticed how smart and funny Brian was. I didn't know the brevity of the situation.
When Brian was about 12 or 13, he was out riding his bike and came across a neighbor kid who was stealing a bike off a bike rack. Neither of the boys knew that an officer was actually close by and was watching the whole thing. The Officer heard Brian tell the kid that he needs to stop doing that and leave the bike alone. The officer was just waiting for the kid to actually get the bike free and start walking away with it, but it was at that moment that Brian rode up. The officer knew my brother was doing the right thing and was innocent. He even brought Brian home to tell my parents what a good deed he had done. Unfortunately, instead of rewarding him, my parents started yelling at him. He ended up being grounded for the entire summer, three long months. I was told by my mom that Brian had been with the kid and even though Brian wasn't a part of it, he was still with him and should have stopped him. So, they had to teach him a lesson not to steal. But he wasn't with him, and he was trying to stop the kid. The only thing Brian learned was more resentment and how life just isn't fair, even when you're doing the right thing. I don't know if he got a beating for this. When the yelling started, I went outside so I didn't have to hear.
Just a few years ago, Brian told me about a time, when he was about 11 or 12, that he wanted to tell mom something and walked into their bedroom, not thinking about knocking. Mom had her shirt off, but still had her bra and pants on. Dad was laying on the bed fully clothed, they were just talking. Brian said he was so shocked walking in and seeing his mom with her shirt off, he just froze for a moment. He said he closed their door and just went to his room, still shocked. Moments later, dad came in and told him, "I noticed you liked looking at my wife's boobs. If I ever catch you looking at my wife's boobs again, I'll kill you." Brian tried to tell him it was just an accident, but to my dad, it didn't matter. He didn't view my Brian as his son or be understanding that kids walk in on their parents all the time. He viewed him as if he were a stranger who was trying to catch a peek of his own mom. I had no idea this even happened until Brian told me.
These are just a few things that put a wedge in Brian and my relationship. I hated him as much as he hated me. He was jealous that I didn't get as many beatings or get them as bad as he did, but I hated him because the ones I got, I felt were all his fault. I was told it was because we were always fighting. It didn't matter who started it, if we worked it out, or if we weren't even truly fighting at all. I will forever regret that I didn't see the situation for what it was, that I didn't try to help him, or be more understanding of what he was going through. I guess I was just trying to survive the best I could. Even though he denies it, I still see these demons haunting him today.
Brian turned out to be awesome though, which I'll talk more about in future posts.
Please continue to share my posts with your friends and family. Like I stated here, you may be right next to someone who is going through a terrible situation and not know it. Many of us are so trained to make it appear like everything is fine and put a smile on our faces to hide what we go through. I want to make domestic violence something we don't have to hide anymore.
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