2.11
It was often as a child and as an adult that we would be around other people and my dad would start blowing up at us, or make comments where I thought for sure, someone has to know how bad of a person and how abusive he is.
I hoped they would see the signs. I hoped they would save me.
As a child, you are also afraid of someone stepping in as well. I was told I could be sent to more abusive foster homes and never see my family again. That's terrifying as a child. Your life and your family are all you know. You know going to school would be hell because the other kids would find out and pick on you. I always thought to myself, "I know how hard my dad hits, but I don't know how hard another dad hits."
As an adult, for so many years, I was filled full of anger and hate. Not at everyone, just my dad. I knew I had anger buried deep down inside, but at the same time, I didn't. I know that probably doesn't make any sense.
Everywhere I went as a child and an adult, I seek out the strongest person in the room, knew my escape routes, and made a plan. Then when I had my daughter, I figured her into my plan. How do I protect her, from people, from the unknown. How do I get her to safety and keep her safe.
Unfortunately, we live in a society that makes it hard for people on the outside of our small family group to intervene. They take a risk; it can be dangerous for them. The victim will get angry at the person who's speaking up or trying to help if they aren't ready to leave yet. This may seem counter-intuitive, but they are operating in survival mode. Speaking up could put them at risk and in danger the next time they are alone with the abuser. Chances are the abuser would accuse the victim of telling the outside person what's going on, trying to sabotage what a good thing you have courtesy of the abuser. They will blame you for everything that is wrong in the relationship and all the stress you cause them when all they are trying to do is to help you. They will lay on the guilt to the victim about how ungrateful they are for all the things the abuser does for them.
If the abuser finds out someone else is onto them, they will for sure isolate the victim from others. To the abuser, it's just proof as to how bad outsiders are, they will make sure you understand how good you have it, even while they may be beating on you at the same time.
As the outsider, you have to weigh what this might do to the person you want to help and care about so much. Will they stop talking to you? If they do, is it because of the abuser, or is it the victim who is angry at you for messing things up? Will you cause them to be beaten? You probably don't even know how bad it really is. You wonder if you may be the only person available for the victim and don't want the victim to lose their possibly one connection.
But in the end, depending on the age of the victim, they are the ones who have to decide what they want and how to handle their situation. You can't force an adult to make a decision they aren't ready to make. If you try, they will go back to their abuser which only strengthens the hold the abuser has over them.
So, what can you do?! If you suspect something, but aren't completely sure yet, or you can tell that the victim is trying to hide their situation, the first thing you can say to them is, "You know how much I care about you and I want you to know that I'm here for you no matter what!" State that to them each and every time you talk. Hopefully, this will give them the comfort to open up to you. Once they do, ask them if they would like your help. Continue to reassure them you will help them with what they need.
Here's the most important part: The victim is going to have a very hard time trusting. Even you! The abuser would have started off very nice to them, telling them how much they will protect them, love them, and take care of them and they will think to themselves, "look how that went". You will have to earn their trust and if you offer to help, BE THERE! If you offer and fail to help, the victim's trust issues will be even deeper.
Saying that, it's also understandable if the victim is asking for your help, you provide what they are asking for and then they get angry and blame you for doing what they asked. That does happen. You can only do so much for someone. At this point, you have the right to tell that person that you won't be able to help them until they are finally willing to accept that help, and you can tell them how you want to be treated as well. You do not have to take abuse from the victim either nor should you feel guilt in this situation.
To the people who were around me and feel guilty for not stepping in or speaking up, please don't feel that way. I am who I am today because of what I went through and I'm proud of me. I'm stronger because of it. People ask me why I don't fear a lot of things. It's because I look at things differently, I've already survived that, so this thing, it's nothing.
Please follow my blog on Wix to get notices when now posts come out at ittakesjustone.me
Comentarios