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I've talked to a few people on my journey who feel it's best for them to bury their memories of their trauma. I can only imagine how horrific their situation must have been to live through. You'll hear me say that I don't like to compare situations, but yet, I'll be the first to admit there are so many people who had it way worse than I did. When I hear their stories, I consider myself lucky to only have what I did. But the results may be similar.
If you are afraid to bring your memories forward, I suggest that you work with a therapist to help you find your triggers safely. In my opinion, I feel it's important to find your triggers so you can acknowledge them, address them, and conquer them. It's my opinion and experience that by not finding them, you stay under the control of the abuser. Again, I am not licensed in therapy, so this is my opinion.
Finding your triggers is a journey. I'm still finding mine as I go. I do feel I have found most of mine and I'll share them and maybe mine will help you find yours.
I was 35 when I realized my first one. It was a weird feeling when I could finally put two and two together. I felt kind of like it should have been more obvious to me, yet it wasn't. I believe I've mentioned it in a previous post, but just in case, I would panic when I met someone's dad or was around their dad. As soon as I realized it, I was like, "I AM AN ADULT! NO ONE IS GOING TO DO THAT TO ME AGAIN!". And if I needed more confidence, I would stand square to them. But usually just saying that to myself in an assertive voice in my head made all the difference for me.
Followed by the sound of a belt buckle. I use the same technique; I tell myself that was the past. No one can do that again.
Yelling., especially a man I don't know. I'll admit, this one still will probably get me depending on who it is. I was a new employee at my job and didn't know people well when a male coworker started yelling at his boss. It was loud and a lot of swear words flew around. Because I didn't know him or how far he would take it, I did have an internal panic attack. If I could have crawled into a drawer in my desk, I think I would have. It still makes me uncomfortable which makes me mad that I let it make me uncomfortable. I need to work on that.
Yelling from someone I am close to or know, is different and hard to explain. It's several feelings of discomfort, anger, extreme I've let someone down. I want to cower and submit but at the same time, I'm pissed and want to square off and get ready for the fight. It's literally two completely different feelings at the exact same time. I think I could still work on this, but I think most people don't care to be yelled at, so I'm not too hard on myself on this one either.
Abandonment. Wait, what?! Yes. I didn't think I would have abandonment either. Neither of my parents left when I was a kid. I chose to cut my dad out of my life when I was an adult. 45 years old to be exact. So how does that one come into play? Not feeling love from a parent. I feel like anyone at any time will walk away from me. Even though I have that feeling, and if it happens, I would be upset and hurt, my mom also prepared me for it. She would tell me that if people don't like me for who I am, at least as long as I'm good to them, that's on them. They are the ones losing out.
I have more, these are my major ones. I will share more at a later time to avoid getting too lengthy here. Here's my advice; keep a journal of your day, or at least your panic attacks, feeling of discomfort or sadness. Pay attention to yourself. When you start to feel like this, look around. What are you seeing, smelling, touching, tasting, and hearing. Think about each of your senses individually. Is what you're hearing causing it? Is it something you can see at the moment?
Then start telling yourself you're safe. If you aren't you need to get yourself to a safe place. There are always going to be things we don't like, but these things will be much more than that to you. You may have to think through your past to remember why this particular thing bothers you. Then work out a plan to overcome it.
I am going to be taking the summer off but will be back next fall. If you have a story you would like to share or how you found out your triggers, please still message me. I would be happy to talk to you.
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