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A conversation I recently had is sparking today's post.
It can be excruciatingly painful for so many reasons to have someone who is close to you be in an abusive situation and not be able to help.
You wonder why they won't open up to you and ask for your help. You've tried to let them know that you're there for them and will do whatever it takes. But unfortunately, they continue on, keeping quiet. And it hurts because you know they are hurting and it hurts because you feel like you're letting them down, not doing enough. You've spent tons of sleepless nights worrying about them, trying to decide what you should do. Do you step in and do an intervention, do you sit quietly and just listen, do you tell someone, etc.
I hate to say, but there is no good answer. So many dynamics are taking place. Here are just a few: sometimes, it's just easier to push away loved ones rather than get them involved in your situation. You know they care about you, but you're confused, embarrassed, hurt, tired, anxious, stressed, afraid, brainwashed, and overwhelmed. You feel stupid because you feel like you've allowed this to happen. You feel like you should have seen the signs and you should know better.
If the abuser knows their "victim" has a strong force/loved one in their life, they will turn the victim against their loved ones. They will discredit and lie to their victim and isolate them so they feel alone. They will tell them their loved ones don't really love them and will find little things and blow them up into big things to "prove" no one else loves them. And they will say those things over and over until the victim is convinced. They will lie and manipulate. We start to wonder if they loved me, wouldn't those people be here now and trying to help me? Don't they see the signs, can't they see the little hints? The victim is told if they loved you, they would.... Insert any number of statements here.
As the loved one, you hope and believe they know you're there for them and know how much you love them. As a parent, you may feel they had a good upbringing and should know how much they are loved. You are afraid to push them away, make it worse for them, and you are confident that you are reading the signs correctly. The abuser has probably also confronted you as well and told you how much of a problem you are to their victim. You doubt your role, trying to figure out if you might be the problem.
Unfortunately, the abuser has been practicing their entire life for this. They have always manipulated to get their way. Chances are everyone around them is caught up in their chaos and doubt themselves. They've made everyone feel like everything wrong is their fault. Everyone is afraid to say something to anyone else, just in case.
And all to often, we kill the messenger so to speak. When someone finally does speak up, the victim will often turn on us and even stop talking to us. So we stay quiet. We feel it's better to keep quiet and hope the victim knows we're there.
Maybe that's all we can do. Tell them over and over how much we love them, we would do anything for them, and we're always there for them. It's been my experience, they have to decide on their own when enough is enough. We can let them know we will help them find a way, and there's always options. Tell them as long as they are happy, we are happy.
If you recognize any of what I've said here reach out, find a counselor to help you, talk to a trusted loved one. Find a domestic abuse shelter in your area. You are not alone.
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