1.8
Dad did ask me to go with him to his counseling appointments which I did. The first meeting was with a psychiatrist, then he would assign a counselor for regular sessions. Everyone told me this one was the best in town.
I was so glad I went along with dad to his appointments. As the Dr. asked him questions, dad mostly just sat there, pouting, pissed, and not answering. I let the Dr. do his thing but still couldn't get dad to respond to him. So, I finally spoke up. I didn't want to spend our time not getting anywhere and began telling him why we were there. I told the Dr. how he was treating mom. Both mom & dad were custodians at the local state university. They each had their own building they were in charge of. Mom had the building with the exchange students who loved my mom. She was a kind, friendly person who, I believe, was like a surrogate mom or grandma to them. She loved it too. They would make her their traditional meals and give her gifts from their home country. They would invite her to some of their cultural events where they celebrated their home traditions. Most of these students were 18-20 years old.
A couple of the male students came up to mom and told her that dad threatened them. "He said if I ever talk to you again, he was going to kill me." they all told her. This was horrifying to hear. This is her job. When I told the Dr. that dad had said this to the students, the Dr. asked him why. "They want my wife." dad responded. The Dr. probably as baffled as I was, asked him why in the world would he think that? He also told my dad that these students are half-way around the world from home. They think of her as their grandmother, it's not normal for someone their age to want someone your wife's age sexually. "Well, they do." my dad insisted. The Dr. said, "No. That's not normal and it's not ok for you to threaten other people with their lives and control who she talks to."
Dad just sat silent and fuming, his standard behavior when he just knew he was right and everyone else was wrong. I proceeded to tell the Dr. other things about him. How much he likes to scream at everyone, including his grandchildren, how he keeps telling mom she's being forgetful, even when she did remember correctly, and even when he was incorrect, he would still follow up with a statement telling her she's getting more and more forgetful. I told the Dr, how I felt he was the one causing her forgetfulness. How I witnessed her going to get her checkbook off her dresser in the bedroom. He wouldn't even let her get into the bedroom to get it, just started screaming at her how it's in the kitchen. She tried to tell him that she knew it was in the bedroom. He just kept screaming at her. She finally went out to the kitchen and of course it wasn't there. She tried to go back into the bedroom again, and he kept telling her even more forcefully that it wasn't in there, that she left it in the kitchen, the whole time telling her how she's getting worse and worse at remembering things. The whole time, he was just sitting on the couch, not bothering to get up and help her look. Just sitting there screaming at her, confusing her, and insulting her. She finally just went into the bedroom after 3 attempts and of course came out with the checkbook and held it up. No apology from him. He just sat there and ignored, pretended not to notice she was right the whole time. When I asked her if he does that all the time, she said that he does and his behavior has been getting worse and worse, which I also told the Dr.
Narcissists aren't wrong. They feel they're the smart ones, they are superior to you. They don't apologize, dad never did. This first appointment was eye-opening for me. More than it obviously was for dad. This is where I learned we are just tools to get him what he wants. You don't treat people you love like this. He didn't love us. I don't recall him ever saying he loved me. I can only recall getting a couple of hugs from him. Once, we were going out of town and I gave him a hug and it was the most awkward thing, I've hugged people on the first meeting that was warmer than this. I'm assuming he hugged me when I got married, but I can't remember that for sure. The only genuine hug from him that I remember was I had given him a gift one time that he really liked, but I was probably in my 40's. I had never really thought about it until then. I know he told mom that he loved her. But now I see that was only in a "keeping her in control" type of thing. As long as his tools stay in line with what he wants, everything is fine. But if you step away from that, if you challenge his authority, if you try to be your own person and think on your own, you face the wrath.
Dad fit every narcissistic symptom per dukehealth.org website. Self-importance, entitled, preoccupation with beauty (my mom), arrogant, lack of empathy, must be admired, etc. He didn't care that he hurt everyone around him, as long as he got what he wanted. Narcissists are normally undiagnosed because they don't go to counseling, since they aren't the problem. I think the only reason I got him to go was because I didn't give him an option, but more importantly, I'm sure he agreed because he figured since he was the smart one, he would fool the Dr. like he had once before, and things would just go back to his normal very shortly. I was also surprised that he allowed me to come along to future counseling sessions after I had spoken up to the Dr. at the first appointment.
In meeting with his counselor, he behaved the same way he had before. He refused to speak, so after letting her make her attempts to get information from him, I would answer her questions and tell him how he behaved. He never denied anything I said. Unfortunately, instead of trying to get to the root of his issues, her advice was to leave the past in the past and start working on the future. This was the dumbest thing she could have said. Over the next couple of months, dad would pull some of his same games and I would tell him that was part of my ultimatum that he can't act like that anymore. He said very cocky, "No this is new and that was in the past. The counselor said to forget the past." He thought he was smart and had won the argument.
At the next appointment, I did tell the counselor what he said and how he was using her statement for his own gain. She had nothing to say. She didn't correct him, didn't ask him why he behaved the way he did. Then she wanted mom to come along on his appointments, which is next dumbest thing she could have done. I allowed mom to come along on two of those appointments before I put an end to that. Both times, with dad sitting right there, she would ask mom how things went in the previous week. Did dad improve? Of course, my mom said yes, things were better. I had sat back and off to the side, which is a good thing, because if the counselor would have seen my expression when she asked that... What did she think my mom was going to say sitting there in front of my dad. Each time, mom said things were better and of course dad said things were better, so the counselor said good as if she had made progress with them. Dad just got cockier in his behavior. I cut in and said that is not true. I told her the things my dad did in that previous week. Which again made my dad upset and he fell silent. Again, not denying any of it.
Once again, she didn't try to find any root cause or ask him why he lied. Just gave them more homework for the next week as if I didn't say anything. At the second appointment, mom said everything was good and dad said everything was good. I had enough. I told her that what she was doing was stupid. Why would she expect someone who has been mentally abused sit in front of that person and tell her anything about what they were really going through. I asked if she had the Psychiatrist's notes, to which she said yes. I asked her why she was asking mom those questions in front of my dad if she knew his manipulating and controlling behavior. She had no response. I told her this is the last time mom was coming to these appointments and I will find her a different counselor. I told her what she was doing with my dad was not working, he was just being more creative in his manipulation. I gave examples of how he was using what she said to his benefit. I asked her why she is not trying to get to the root cause. She had no response and of course, time was up.
When mom and I got out to the car, she thanked me for speaking up. She said she was afraid to say anything different with dad there. I don't claim to have any type of training in psychology, but even I could see what was wrong with how they were handling our case. And when I told them the first time how dad was misusing the information from the appointments, why would they continue down the same path. I was furious. This was my mom's life they were playing with here. And they failed her.
Commenti