1.15
The next couple of months were very difficult. After dad called her in October, mom lived in fear, staying locked in her house while I was at work. She would watch for me to come home and as soon as I drove into the driveway, she would come running out. She just wanted to talk and catch up. I wondered how long she had been waiting there for me to get home. The thought of that breaks my heart.
By this time, she was forgetful often. She didn't always remember what day of the week it was. There were days she would call me and ask me if she should be at work. Some days, I would have to go home and console her because she might be upset that she couldn't remember what she was supposed to be doing and some days it was because she was afraid of dad coming. Some days, I just called her boss and told them what was happening, and she wouldn't be coming in. Again, they were so very understanding. We were so lucky to have them. I often wonder what we would have done had they not been, they could have easily let her go. I knew it was important for mom to try to keep as much normal happening as possible. Going to work and doing her regular tasks was exactly what she needed.
Unfortunately, the smaller town we lived in didn't have a lot of options for people in mom's condition. She didn't need to live in a nursing home yet. Without a restraining order, and knowing dad stalked her, I was worried about taking her to the senior center because there wasn't anything they could have done if he would have shown up there. It's a difficult situation when you have to work and have a family member that can't quite stay home alone and no facility or options.
Once again, I tried taking mom to counseling. A different counselor than before. Again, I've never taken any official psychology courses, just want this known. We explained the situation to her. But the only "advice" we were given was to go home and read books, do puzzles, and find other things you like to do to help yourself relax. I told her we were already doing those things. I was hoping for more substantial advice, like this is why you feel this way, maybe talk about the triggers and what we could do to counter those triggers, here's some insight on your life, kind of thing. But none of that. Each appointment, we went in, told her what activities we had completed during the previous week, tried to get more meaningful advice, and then told to go home and do more puzzles and games, and find ways to relax.
It's baffling to me with how much research is out there, but it appeared none of that was done to try to help. One time leaving a session, after we had been to several, mom, who was pretty forgetful at this point asked me if we could stop going. She said that counselor wasn't helping at all, and she thought it was stupid that all she did was tell us to read and do puzzles. I laughed and agreed, we were actually more frustrated by going instead of coming out feeling like we accomplished anything and, we were definitely not more relaxed.
We were both frustrated. Couldn't find any help with doctors, couldn't get help with counselors, there were no options. So, here's a suggestion for anyone out there who can fit this, we need to have adult day-care centers where adults are secure, have activities planned, still have a social life, where those of us who work, can drop off our loved ones and pick them up at the end of the day, just like childcare centers. There are many adults who would fit this perfectly and just need a safe place. And it would help their caregivers out tremendously. There could be government subsidies to help with cost, keep people out of nursing homes, and keep family members working.
For the record, I'm not against counseling. If you need counseling, be sure to shop around and find one that fits you and your needs. If you don't feel like you are getting what you need, find another one. You are the customer here; you are not required to just go to one and have to stay there. You get to say what you want out of counseling. It's ok to ask for credentials. Do a Google search for counselors in your area. I'm adding a couple of links I found on Google to help you. I have not used these, but they also help you in what to look for.
If you are going through a difficult situation, feel like you are drowning, or just want to talk to someone, I encourage you to get help now. Don't wait. There are many options covered by your insurance and many also have forms you can fill out to pay according to your income. My mom just needed better options that were available at that time in the small town we lived in. I have since talked to people in that same town who have great therapists that I wish we would have found. Don't give up hope. You bring so much value to the people around you. If you weren't around, you would leave an awful hole in the lives of the people around you. It's amazing to find out how many lives you touch every day and don't even know it.
If you have people in your life that mean something to you, please tell them. Tell them now. Write them a note or text. Tell someone Good Morning or just smile. Don't be shy. I have made more friends by just starting with "Hi!" than I can ever count. And I have never come across anyone that things I'm weird for doing so. But I have come across a ton of people who have come to me later and thanks me for smiling and saying Hi to them. Try it. You just never know how much value you add in someone's life just by saying "Hi!".
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