Puzzles

2.1

Life is like a giant puzzle where you have to examine the pieces and see how they fit together. I believe this is true for everyone, just some of us have funny-shaped pieces, jagged-edged pieces, round pieces, square pieces, and pieces that just don't seem to fit in with the rest of our puzzle.

As I talked about in previous blogs, when you're in a bad relationship, so many things play through your head, especially if you're the parent. You know it's a bad situation. You know that your kids are hurting watching it all play out. You know it's not a good environment for them. But it's so hard to make that decision to walk out that door. My mom struggled thinking that she would make us dislike our dad if she said anything negative about him. She thought it would be her fault if we didn't like him. One time when I was in my 20's and she mentioned this to me, I told her, "No, I hate him because of him. You aren't responsible for my feelings towards him." Looking back on that, she didn't even question the fact that I said I hated him. It was as if the reason was unspoken, yet still very obvious.

My entire adult life my mom confided in me regarding her relationship with my dad. For years, I told her it was a bad relationship. And for years, she still didn't tell me the full extent of his manipulation and control. I always offered my help, but she always said she could handle it. Every time she would confide in me, she would apologize because felt guilty that it may be because of something she said that would make me dislike my dad. She felt it would be her fault if I didn't have a good relationship with him.

The unrealized side effect during our lives is what we were learning. Parents set us up with what relationships look like. Unfortunately, when a parent stays in a bad one, we learn that is what is normal. We learn that's just how families are, how they act, and how they "love" each other. This is how we treat each other. It even has a name, Generational trauma. As children, we just assume every family behaves like this, even when we know they probably really don't and even when we know it isn't normal. Most of the time, I was jealous because my friends had nice dads, but I also thought, ok, you're nice now when I'm standing here, but what are you like behind closed doors?

Because we think being treated like this is just how things are, we struggle to find relationships that differ from our childhood. So many people who grew up in these environments leave that situation and find themselves in another one. Some even swear they will never tolerate certain behaviors, and we are on a sharp lookout for those signs. But we then fail to see the other obvious signs. So maybe we trade one type of abuse for another while thinking that we did escape it.

My mom thought drawing the line of not allowing my dad to ever hit her, she was good, and she had protected herself. She never allowed herself to realize his behavior was just as damaging, maybe even more so. She believed that by telling us we should expect to be treated well by our spouses, it somehow negated the years of what we actually witnessed, what we learned.

If I can emphasize one thing in this section, it would be to really think about what message you're sending your children. Do you want your son or daughter to be in a situation just like the one you're in now? Do you want your children to feel like you are feeling now? What about their children, your future grandchildren? Do you want them to go through this kind of situation? By staying, you are setting this example, you are saying that this is ok.

I encourage you to research Generational Trauma and Emotional Intelligence. Some studies suggest that it can actually be passed down genetically, due to our bodies adapting by adjusting gene expression. But these cycles can be broken. We can rewrite our genes and rewire our brains. Knowing and acknowledging what has happened and understanding your behaviors and why you react the way you do are the first steps. Once you understand, you can create a plan on what you want your goals and accomplishments to be and start acting on them. Start your journal, and express your feelings. Find a therapist or find a better one. You can do this! You just have to make the choice that you want to be the best you.