Revelations

1.10

The EMTs and police arrived. We told them what had happened. As usual, dad just sat there, neither confirming nor denying what we said. Dad refused any assistance from the EMTs, and they offered many times. I even told them he is the who asked to have them come over because he was hurt. I told dad if he was hurt so bad, he should allow them to look at him. He just sat in his normal state of silence and anger. This fact will be important later.

The police advised mom and the rest of us that she should get a restraining order. If she stays in this situation, he will repeat the behavior, and they will be called back again. If you watch any kind of live cop/criminal/murder investigation show, you know this to be true. At this point, my parents had been married for 45 years and this was the first-time cops had to be called. We all agreed that dad could go into the bedroom and sleep and the rest of us will be upstairs since we already had my nephews asleep for the night. It was now around 11:30 pm.

We went out into the kitchen just trying to absorb what happened that night. As mom sat there crying, she began to tell us stories of their past. Some of the stories were new, and some she had told me many times, but now those took on another meaning.

One of the new stories was on a couple of occasions, some of her male classmates had approached her in the last couple of years and told her they would have loved to ask her out in high school, but my dad had been going around to all the guys in their class and told them if they came anywhere near my mom, he would kill them. Apparently, a couple of them spoke to each other and realized several guys had the same thing happen to them. I'm guessing they believed dad was capable of such a thing, because mom said she didn't think any of the guys in high school liked her. No one ever asked her out except one person, but she was 15 at the time and her parents would not let her date until she was 16. She had no idea dad had been threatening the other guys. She said she accepted dad's request for a date because he was the only one who asked once she turned 16. His manipulation started way back then before their relationship even began.

After she graduated high school, she began working in the school library, which she had always wanted to do. The head librarian loved my mom, and my mom adored her. When my dad proposed to mom, and she told her boss, the head librarian said dad is bad news and if she marries him, she will no longer have a job at the library. Mom was confused by what she meant she had no idea that her boss hated my dad or why.

Narcissists know how to play the game. They've been doing this their whole life. Dad knew he had to turn on the charm while they dated, and it worked. Mom thought he was a nice guy who would come and take her and all of her sisters out for ice cream or whatever. It was just a ploy to lock in my mom's feelings for him. It wasn't genuine. You know by now, mom married dad and true to her word, mom lost her job at the library.

When I was 1 1/2-year-old, dad got a job as a city cop in a small town about 100 or so miles from their hometown. This was perfect for him. He now had mom isolated from everyone she knew. He told her because he was a cop, everyone in town would know who they were. And they would know where he lived, and we could be in danger. If he arrested someone, they could come and harm us in retribution. Unfortunately, these kinds of things do happen, so his requirement didn't sound so absurd to my mom at that time. In fact, she felt like he was protecting her, and it made her feel good right away. He said she had to stay in the house and keep it locked at all times for our protection. She couldn't go anywhere without him. Not even outside in the yard.

Mom tried this for a month or two and started to go stir crazy. She told him she has to be able to take us outside to play and needed the fresh air herself. He finally agreed, but that she had to stay in the yard and not talk to anyone. He told her everyone in town watches them and tells him everything she does. So, if she goes anywhere, he will know. It's too bad that those words didn't raise a big enough red flag, although I think they did to an extent. She told me that story many times, as if she was looking for someone to confirm for her that this wasn't normal or ok. And when I did try to say something, she would quickly come back to he was just trying to protect us.

One day, there was a parade in their small town. She thought it couldn't be that bad if she put us in the stroller and took us the two blocks over to watch the parade. While she was on her outing, she stopped in the local store for a few moments and said hello to a few people and then walked us back home. Dad wasn't too far behind her and proceeded to tell her every step she took, who she spoke to, what she did. He told her several people in town told him all of those things just like he said they would. He told her that they don't like outsiders coming into their town. This terrified mom, she felt she didn't know who she could trust now if the whole town had just told on her. Unfortunately, it was all a lie. He had stalked her. No one told on her. But now she felt like she had no friends and went back to locking us all in the house.

When I was three, we moved back to our hometown. I remember as a teenager, mom said dad was fired as a cop because he was required to do his annual two-week training for the Army Reserve unit he was in. Apparently the first year he was there, the city didn't care, nor did they care that he had this requirement when they hired him. But this second year, they suddenly cared and needed him so badly that if he went to training, he was fired. I told mom that doesn't make sense, they can't fire someone for that, it's illegal. Especially not a city government position. Mom said that's what dad told her, and she was going to believe him. I know she knew it was illegal for that to happen. I said, why they didn't sue the city for that. Dad didn't want to. I think as the years went on, and maybe even back then, she didn't totally believe that was the real reason. I think she was afraid to confront him. And if she did and he did admit to it, then what? In her mind, it was just easier to accept the lie than to have to deal with the fallout.

I think that's a part of the reason so many stay in abusive situations. They are trapped on so many levels. It's so easy when you sit out the outside looking in and question why we don't just leave. I'm guilty of that thought myself. Now I understand why it's so difficult. And I think it's even harder in mental abuse situations because as they say terrible things to you and you call them out on it, they tell you it's in your mind, you misunderstood, your just hormonal, etc. Mom said dad asked her if there was anything that would ever make her want to leave him. She told him her line was if he ever hit her, she would be gone. So, he stayed just short of that line. Even those who get hit, like we did, we're told we deserve it, if we didn't do this, we wouldn't get that. All kids get spanked we were told. I know mom knew dad went beyond with us, but it was a different time. In her family growing up, grandpa hit with a belt. It was normal for her to see that. Its why kids grow up and repeat the abusive situations they grew up in or find abusive spouses. You begin to just believe it must be everyone lives like this, even if you know it to not be true.

And then there's, if you admit this is what's happening, you have to make a choice. Either stay and allow it to continue, or leave and risk losing everything, your house, friends if you still have them, and you may even feel like no one will believe you. Most abusers put on a good show in public. Everyone tells you how nice they are, how lucky you are to have someone so nice. So, you sit and wonder what those same people will think of you if you decide to leave and tell people the truth about your abuser. Will they believe you? How would you even pay for a divorce? Where will I live? What about the kids? They will destroy the kids.

Then when all these overwhelming thoughts of what you need to do next start giving you anxiety, your mind starts to think, is it really that bad? Am I overreacting. Because your abuser and definitely society has told you that it takes two to make a relationship work. You're told that everyone in a relationship has to overlook things the other does. The abuser will tell you all the annoying things that you do that they have to live with. Now you question that maybe if you're a better person, try harder, do more, the abuser won't get as upset with you. And you begin to talk yourself back into a circle. And then the abuser comes back in about this time and starts their game of being nice to you again. Maybe apologize to you. Maybe tell you they didn't mean it and how much they love and need you. They might do something special for you, to make you happy or laugh. And now you doubt your gut feeling. Maybe the abuser is right. Maybe I do those wrong things, and it's my fault they get so angry with me. You decide to wait it out, wait until you're not as upset. Let your head clear and think about this at another time. This is the narcissist's game they play with you. Break you down, let you believe everything is your fault, and build themselves up as the hero to you. You don't even realize you're just a pawn.