1.17
Thanks to Brian, mom got to see and do a lot of things she never would have been able to do if she hadn't left dad. One of her sisters lived 3 hours away, so mom got to spend a lot of time with her. He also was able to find good psychologists who could get to the root of the issues which was helpful. The tests they ran showed that she did not have dementia or Alzheimer's, however, having a mental breakdown and not being able to escape the very thing that caused it, does cause damage. This is where I again, go back to the judge who didn't feel there was enough of an issue to grant the restraining order.
And I again bring up his reasoning, "they've been married 45 years, so how is this just now a problem?" Sorry, I am going to say it, was it because he was a male? Did he treat his wife this way? Many of the people I have talked to along the way in these situations, are just like me. Their moms have been in the same type of situation for many years. And most of those are still in those marriages for some of the same reasons.
1. Their age. Many of our parents grew up in a time where you didn't get divorced like you can today. Women from that time period were raised to make their husbands happy, no matter what. If their husbands weren't happy, it was the wife's fault.
2. Equality. Women often don't make the same amount as their husbands, even today. When my mom was a young mother, women were just starting to get out into the workplace and didn't have positions that paid them a good wage.
3. Religion. My mom grew up Catholic. Divorce was even more frowned upon when she was growing up and developing her values.
4. Social. Because these "husbands" often put on a show in public and are very different in front of others than they are being closed doors, spouses feel like they won't be believed. They've probably had people coming up to them over the years telling them how lucky they are to have their husband. They feel like no one will believe them if they were to come out after that and say he's abusive. They doubt their thoughts and emotions and think that maybe they are exaggerating their husband's actions because he can be nice, after all, everyone else says they are. Many have tried talking to their husband, only to be told that they are exaggerating, it's because they're hormonal, they took it wrong, they overthink things, etc. etc. etc.
The list of reasons why people stay can go on and isn't just exclusive of wives being the abused. That can easily go the other direction, I'm just speaking to my experience.
The judge didn't ask or take into account how long mom had been suffering, he didn't ask about those first 45 years. He didn't think about how a person can get worn down over time, how as you get older, you get more fearful of being older, you have fewer and fewer resources as you start losing your family and friends, how a narcissist will start to see those weaknesses set in and then start to really turn up the aggression.
Many people like my mom considered abuse to be physical or sexual. They didn't know mental abuse existed; it wasn't talked about when she was growing up, and I don't think it was even considered a thing at the time. She was never told that it could cause real damage.
Unfortunately, verbal abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse. Mom did improve after moving away. But unfortunately, any talk or reminder of home, would make her quickly digress. And each time she did, she would backslide on her progress. It was as if her brain just kept saying nope, can't do it.
Even though dad never was able to call or talk to her again, he still controlled her mind and that, she was never able to escape.
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