1.13
I am going to throw names around here. Safe Harbor's team did an amazing job helping us file the paperwork for a restraining order against dad and helping us find a divorce attorney. They counseled our family, were understanding, and were exactly what we needed to help us get to next steps. I couldn't have asked for a better team of people!
They even sent along a couple of teams members to the hearing where the judge decided if the permanent or 5-year restraining order was going to be granted. Safe Harbor provided emotional and professional support to mom and I during the hearing.
After mom and I testified, the Safe Harbor team felt for sure that what we stated would get us that restraining order granted.
Then we sat as dad testified. As the judge asked him questions, dad began to get more upset, got louder, and his face turned red. As we watched, the Safe Harbor team watched in shock at how quickly he escalated. One of them looked at me and asked, "is he always liked this?". I said, "No. This is mellow. Put me back up there and ask me a couple more questions about what he's done, and you'll see his normal." She just looked at me horrified and told me that there was no way the judge wouldn't grant that.
Unfortunately, here's where the system failed my mom again. The judge actually said something to the effect of, I find it hard to believe that after 45 years of marriage, this has become a problem now. He said he doesn't see that there is a concern and did not, I repeat, DID NOT, grant the restraining order.
That judge sealed my mom's fate. I definitely blame my dad for his actions, but that judge, that day, could have saved my mom.
A couple of things that you need to understand about my dad. If the restraining order would have been granted, my dad actually would have abided by it. For whatever reason, he respected the law, and I do believe he would have been too afraid to break them. The reasoning he gave me for hiring a lawyer and fighting the restraining order was because he didn't want to be out shopping for groceries and mom would happen to be in that store and he'd get arrested. That was a lie.
The other weird thing that shows he had a plan was he didn't hire a lawyer for the divorce. He didn't care about that part. Now I know why he did what he did.
Mom, for a short time, had a small reprieve because there is an automatic restraining order when you file for divorce. But as soon as a judge rules on the divorce, unless there is a permanent one in place, that ends.
I hoped that when the papers were signed and the divorce was final, dad would respect moms wishes. Again, I had too much faith in him, and I was wrong.
Dad didn't contest anything in the divorce, and we tried to be as fair as possible. He talked about how important it was for mom to have what she needed. He came to me after and said he hopes that we can still see each other. Because I was still absorbing what was happening and still didn't see the full extent of his abuse, I agreed. It was a rough time; I was learning how to adjust with our family being broken up and how the future would be. You go through a lot of emotions including guilt. From time to time, I would think, did I create this? Am I the one making mom get a divorce and maybe this isn't what she wants? Then I would remember that she's the one who asked for the divorce. He's the one who acted like he did that night.
Every single day since their divorce, mom would thank me for saving her. That's what kept me from feeling guilty. And I would also remind myself, as I packed some things for dad for his new place right after we had kicked him out of the house, that I found a suitcase in their closet. Inside the suitcase were family photos, a change of clothes, and hygiene products. I knew what that was, but I still called for my mom to come into the room and asked her what it was. She looked at me and I knew. It was a to-go bag. She had a suitcase packed with things she wanted to make sure she had in case she had to leave quickly. When she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, don't be upset to me. I lost it and couldn't hold back the tears. It was easy to tell by the items in that bag, that she had it packed for several years. I said, "You've had this bag packed this whole time and you never said anything to me?" She said, "I didn't want you to worry about me."
It's hard to explain all the feelings I had at that moment, but pure anger and hatred towards my dad for creating a life that my mom felt she needed to have a to-go bag packed were just a few of my emotions. I felt so bad for my mom because she had also mentioned over the years that she didn't want me to be mad at dad because her or things she told me. I had told her time and time again that I hate dad because of his actions not because of anything that she says to me about him. But she still tried to protect that relationship. She didn't want to be the cause of me disliking him. I felt helpless because I didn't know sooner and felt like I should have known, should have done more, should have saved her sooner. I felt like I let her down. I felt like I should have convinced her more that I was there for her, that she shouldn't worry about coming to me.
This memory alone keeps me from feeling bad for my dad. But he wasn't done terrorizing my mom. He had more plans.
@safeharbor #domesticviolence #court #badjudge #family #abusiveparent #narcissist
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