2.6
Triggers are tricky. I firmly believe that it's important to explore your trauma of any kind and be ok to be open about it. This is how I was able to start figuring out what my triggers are and ask for help when needed. I have not had anyone refuse to help me work on them. This is also where I could ask for help in identifying what's just not normal behavior not just others, but my own.
I have several triggers, but I want to start with yelling. I've done some yelling in my time but because it was what I believed to be normal. Anyone with kids or a spouse has probably yelled from time to time and as a Gen Xer, we heard it a lot. Unfortunately in my house growing up, it often led to the belt coming out.
It could be because we closed a door too quickly so someone's fingers could be slammed in the door and broken or cut off, maybe we ran which could lead to us falling down and getting hurt. There was no climbing trees because we could fall out, the list can go on. I'm not above learning to be careful to avoid injuries, but we didn't learn lessons from a place of patience and explaining. Everything was screamed at us. If we asked why for an explanation, then we were talking back and again, the belt.
I don't know how to explain my dad's look either when he would scream. But mixed "Carrie" from Stephen King's movie with Satan and maybe you understand the look my dad would have. Always with his fits clenched, face beat red, and veins popping out. It was a terrifying site to a child.
A few years ago, I was in a situation where someone I wasn't too familiar with started yelling at someone else in the room. I went from shock to fear to "better get your shit together buddy" to all of those rapidly going through my head over and over. I thought about hiding and then thinking oh hell no.
Looking back, I understand my fear and in this day and age with people going off the rails all the time now, that fear is understandable for anyone. But it wasn't that part of my fear that surprised me.
It was his yelling that took me back to my childhood and made me feel like I was a small child with no control in the situation looking up at a large adult. I was more afraid he was going to come at me with a belt than come after everyone in a rampage situation.
By this point in my life I didn't think something like that would still send me into a tizzy. I had already confronted my dad, I've broken up fights between total strangers, and didn't really feel like I was afraid of anything, and yet, this brought me right back to being an afraid, angry child.
The fact that I felt like I didn't have control over my feelings at that moment made me mad with myself. I had been working on taking back my control and I wasn't going to let this undo that . I'm not going to lie and say that it was easy. There were days I felt anxious about returning to that location and worried if someone would blow up like that day.
Here's how I start. If you don't know what is causing you to have anxiety, look around you. What are you seeing, smelling, tasting, hearing? Pay attention to each of those things around you. Is it someone's voice. Is it something you're smelling? Is it the thought of something that you're supposed to do? Being around a lot of people? Being around a certain type of people. As you explore your environment, and focus on each individual thing, how do you feel? Which one gives you a twinge?
Once I figure that out, I think about why. Why does seeing that person or thing bother me? Why did hearing a belt unbuckle strike anger/fear in me? Oh yeah, it's because that sound preceded a beating. Why did yelling set me off? Yeah, that also preceded beatings.
Some of the triggers, I had to think about for a while. They weren't all obvious so I just kept thinking and journaling about that thing. Usually journaling about what bothered me about that suddenly brought out my answer. Then I was able to create my plan on how I would handle that trigger next time. What I would need to say to myself and what I would need to do, if anything.
My plan, depends on the trigger, but more often than not, I will square up to it. I will face it. And tell myself, No More! I refuse to let that fear control me and run my life. I think this before I come in contact with it and when I'm in contact with it.
Make your trigger plan.
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