Under the spell

2.12

What does it feel like to be under the control of a narcissist? Mostly it feels like you're going crazy. A narcissist will play games with your mind. Here are just a few.

It's scary. My dad would scream at us for fighting, but we may not have been fighting. You definitely didn't ask for an explanation or explain that you weren't fighting. That meant you didn't fear him enough which just enraged him more. You didn't try to defend yourself. It didn't matter. It didn't matter that you maybe didn't do anything and were just sitting there playing.

It's confusing. You do whatever it takes to keep the narcissist happy. But it doesn't matter. Maybe you stay quiet. Maybe you do the chores they want you to do the way they want you to do them. But it doesn't matter. You try to stay away from them, maybe if you stay outside and play quietly, or stay in your room and read a book so you're not agitating them. You are all of a sudden being accused of doing something you don't know anything about. It doesn't matter that you didn't do anything.

It's terrifying. You don't know how they are going to react this time. How many times will you be hit? How hard will you be hit? Will you have marks that you have to hide? What will you tell others if they see the marks? What if other people find out? What if you are sent to live in a foster home? What if you get kicked you out of the house? Where will you get money to live? Where will you go? What will other people think?

It's walking on eggshells all day, every day. What will cause the blow up today? What if they had a bad day at work? There's no consistency to what will set them off. You may have cooked them meals forever, but today, they decided that you should have known to make them eggs instead of their favorite pancakes. Some times are good times. You laugh, have fun, you think maybe they will realize they can just have fun. But you know that feeling is short lived. You don't know what will set them off. You can't just relax completely and enjoy the moment.

It's angering. You can't figure out what you're doing wrong. You must be the problem, because they do all these things for you. You get tired of taking the beatings. At first, it hurt your feelings, but now you start to get angry at them. The physical pain hurts. But now the mental pain hurts more. The mental pain lasts longer. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Why won't I just leave? Why won't they just leave me? Why does God allow something like this to happen?

It's belittling. You can't understand why the narcissist doesn't like you. You try to do everything they say. Behave how they say, do the things that you like, say what they want you to say. But it doesn't matter. You used to feel intelligent, but here, you can't do anything right. Maybe you're not as smart as you think you are you can't figure this out. Also, they will just tell you how dumb you are. You washed their car hoping they would see and appreciate

It's lonely. Am I unlovable? Am I undesirable? Why don't they love me? I must not be likeable, I must have an annoying personality, etc., because I can't get them to like me. This feeling falls over into our other relationships and creates social awkwardness. I can't tell anyone what's going on. What if they ask a question about it? How will I answer? Will they be able to figure it out?

Like I stated, these are just a few of the thoughts and emotions one goes through. It's a constant battle to quiet these thoughts and demons. If you are in a similar situation, please know you are not alone! There are so many people out there going through the same thing, thinking the same thoughts. Because I choose to address them and speak up, I have learned so much from others going through the same. I've learned that there are a lot of people who don't judge, who do care about you. I want you all to feel that same feeling of knowing people do care. Ultimately, it is your decision on how you handle your situation, but we can still help each other, build each other up, and give each other the confidence to become a survivor.

If you would like to reach out and provide topics to discuss, I can leave you completely anonymous and I have done for others who have reached out. Please follow my blog page on Wix at ittakesjustone.me I have also started a podcast with my friend Crystal Hendry to discuss these topics further on YouTube at (1) transactional love stories - YouTube I hope you join us and follow us there as well.