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Unfortunately, the two weeks mom spent with me during covid were not the quality time I had hoped for. In her mind, she thought if she was improving, then we would have her move back home and she was terrified of that. She was now at a point where even though we told her we would never do that to her, her mind wouldn't let her keep that thought. Watching someone's mind slowly slip away is an excruciating experience.
It's hard to watch because it's as if they remember half but not all of things. When they have good days, you get your hopes up. But when they have bad days, it's hard to comprehend how they can remember this piece but not that piece. It's frustrating when one moment things are ok and the next moment they aren't. After her mom, my grandma had a stroke, mom would tell me that if anything like that ever happened to her, I needed to make sure she did her therapy. It's a lot easier said than done when the time comes.
Mom always said she never wanted to be a burden. Never wanted us to give up our lives to take care of her. Sometimes I wonder if she didn't put up a fight and allowed herself to go downhill so she wouldn't be. But I honestly think they don't have a choice. I think that part of their brain just starts to misfire.
She was sad most of the time. She asked where her mom was like a child lost and can't find their mother. I tried to have her watch her favorite TV shows, but she would remember the actors that she liked had passed away, so she would cry. She would muster up the strength and say, "ok, I'm ready to go back home.". Meaning her hometown. She would remember that her dad was in the nursing home and asked if she could go see him. It broke my heart to tell her she couldn't because we were all under covid lockdown.
The only saving grace was in a few moments, she would forget. Unfortunately, then we'd start the whole process again. Her mind wouldn't let her sleep at night either. She would doze off but pretty soon her dreams would wake her up in fear again.
I had the fortune of one evening she had clarity, she said, "Becky, I think something is wrong with me.". Surprised she remembered who I was, I asked her what she meant. She went on to explain that the doctors have told her that nothing is wrong with her. But that she had times where she is just sitting there and listening to the conversation, isn't upset and is actually happy, but then all of a sudden, she starts to feel funny. She said she tried to tell herself that she is safe, and she is fine, but then suddenly, she just can't. If she tries to pick something up, she tries to reach for it but isn't not in that spot that her mind is telling her, it's actually inches away. She said she can still hear us and understand us, but it's an overwhelming sad feeling. I believe we talked for about 45 minutes. She coughed a little bit so I asked her if she would like a glass of water. By the time I came back with it, her clarity was gone. She didn't remember who I was again.
My heart broke all over again. But I did treasure those moments. And I was very glad to hear what was going on inside her mind. I do regret walking away to get her that glass of water. Who knows how much time I could have had with her had I not.
It did give me some peace though. I understood her more. I didn't get as frustrated that she could remember snippets but forget others. I hope that moment can maybe one day help solve the mystery of the brain.
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