1.7
December 2015, during the week after Christmas, I get a phone call from my youngest brother John. He tells me that as his family, mom and dad, were all dishing up supper getting ready to sit down and eat. All of a sudden, my dad slams his plate full of spaghetti on the table flinging spaghetti noodles and sauce everywhere and begins to scream, "These two are always f--king fighting, I can't stand listening to them constantly fighting." And then he starts stomping into their bedroom across the house and slams the door. Everyone at the table including my 5-year-old and 8-year-old nephews sitting at the table, looked around confused. No one had been fighting. No one knew why he was yelling at everyone again. They were just talking about getting dished out, what they each wanted and how much.
John told me he can't take it anymore. My mom was close by crying. John puts mom on the phone and I ask her again if she wants me to come and deal with dad. Of course she told me no, she will talk to him.
Next day, I called mom to check in. We chatted for a few moments, and then I asked her if she talked to dad yet. She replied, "About what?" I said about his behavior last night. She asked, "Why, what did he do this time?" I said last night at supper when he blew up. She replied, "He did?" My heart sank. Little did I know what all was coming next.
I immediately called her Dr. and made an appointment. A week later we were in the Dr.'s office answering a bunch of questions and had an MRI to see if she had a stroke. As much as the thought of her having a stroke terrified me, I think it would have been better than the actual outcome. The Dr asked us a bunch of questions and I made sure to let her know about all the stress my mom was under and what had happened the week before that caused me to schedule this appointment. It was verified that she did not have a stroke, and they couldn't really tell, so they just told us that she must have the beginning of dementia. But also told us everything was normal for her age, she doesn't have the standard medical symptoms of dementia, and they can't really explain it, so they told me they were just going to call it dementia and told us stress can bring that on. I tried to explain no, I don't think that's what it was. I knew it was on the lines of a breakdown, but also struggled to find that term myself to describe it. The tears started streaming for both mom and I as we stood there getting next instructions. When we got out to the car, we hugged each other and ugly cried. This was not what either of us were ready to hear.
Once we got into the car, I told her, "I know this is caused by stress. I know you are always telling me that you will handle dad. I'm sorry, but this is going to be in my hands now. I will be taking care of him and the others." Mom just looked at me and said, "Thank you."
I had 4 people I was going to talk to. I won't mention all of them here, but they all deserved what I said to them. Each one of them took advantage of my mom's kindness and generosity without caring about the toll they took on her. Not caring about the unkind words they had said and would say when my mom tried to put her foot down because they were running her ragged. They didn't care about my mom's feelings at all. They only cared about getting what they wanted. They knew she would do anything for them. They knew any time she called, she would give up her day and go running for them and to them. And they just kept taking more from her.
When we got home, I started making my phone calls. I started each one with, this is what happened to mom, I took her to the Dr and told them each what we were told. Then I started my next sentence with, "Now here's how things are going to go from here on out. You are going to..." I stated what each of them did that was selfish and how much their words and actions hurt her. Mom came to me sometimes almost daily about how each one had been treating her and how much she was hurt by them. I told them my expectations. Nothing was up for negotiation. I told them if I find out that they went against what I stated, they would lose all rights to speak or be around her unless I was present at all times. I told them each that they need to get their shit together because I am pissed that my mom has been hurt to this level.
Then my dad came home. He too, had been to the Dr. that day. He was going to need another surgery to take care of the new 5 hernias he developed, on top of the previous 2 surgeries, because he refused to stop participating in the Celtic Heavy Games. His Dr's all advised him he needed to stop. He refused. And he was terrible to my mom when he was laid up after his surgeries. None of us were looking forward to him having another one.
I hope someday I can forget how he came in the house, almost dancing and was smiling as he told us about how he was going to get to have another surgery and all the details that went along with it. He looked at both mom and I, both of us were still crying. He didn't even stop and ask what was wrong. He just kept going on and on about his next surgery. I literally sat there watching the time and after 5 minutes of him walking past us several times, looking at us several times and not saying a word, I couldn't take it anymore and I finally spoke up.
"Are you seriously going to carry on and on about your surgery and not even ask us why she's crying?!" He looked over at mom finally like he actually was finally concerned and asked, "Oh, what did you guys find out?" So, I told him what we were told. I can't remember what if or how he responded, I was so furious that he didn't care. Then I told him I believed it was all because of stress and I would be talking to everyone that caused her stress. Dad so stupidly said good, you should talk to (one person in particular) and then started his normal tired about how he didn't like how he was treated by that person. Again, only talking about himself and not caring at all about what mom was going through at that moment.
I had it, I didn't let him talk long. I sternly told him, "Sit down! You're next!" I think he knew at that moment I was at my last straw because he quietly sat down and didn't say a word as I told him what a jackass he was and about how much I knew about how bad he had been treating mom. I told him what everyone has been telling me and what I was witnessing. I told him it all stops today, and said, "Here's what's going to happen." I listed out my expectations for him, which included counseling and medication for his anger, and it was not up to negotiate. I told him that I will be letting all the people who are close to mom know that if you yell at her, or break any of my rules, I will remove her from the house, and he will not be allowed to be around her again. Since they worked in different buildings, but for the same employer, I will be making their employer aware of what's going on and he will not be allowed to yell at her at work either. I also told him that if mom wants to come along with me when I ask her to do things, like take her to supper or take trips, she will be coming along. He tried to use the excuse we don't have money. I said I will pay for her, and she will be coming with me when she wants.
He sat there furious with me, but very quiet, other than to bring up the money. I asked him, "Are you going to go to counseling?" He wouldn't reply, he just sat there. I told him if he isn't going to go, then I'll take mom with me right now. I even offered to help him find a Dr., take him to his appointment and would even come in with him if he wants to. He continued with his silence. I stood there, in front of him which seemed like forever when he finally asked if I would help him find a Dr. I told him I would. I told him if I hear anything from anyone that he even slightly raised his voice, or upset mom in any way, he was done.
Then I called Brian.
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