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I've been thinking about this topic for a while trying to figure out how to describe it. I'll do the best I can, but welcome discussions on this. You can message me if you have thoughts or feelings about your experience.
Back in the 70's and 80's growing up, it's not like abuse was discussed like it is today. Many of our parents came from much harsher home lives. In listening to others, I've heard people say they've gotten it with a belt once or twice and usually say they deserved it. I don't recall what it was they said they did to get it, but usually it's things that I would never have even dreamed of doing because of the fear of the belt.
Most of us struggle knowing what's normal and not. The abuser usually tells us that marriage is about forgiveness and not everyone is perfect. Abusers hide under that umbrella. And by being afraid to talk to others about what we are going through, eventually, we lose track of what's ok and what isn't. Abuse isn't just about major beating events, it's about a ton of small little comments that tear us down.
Growing up, we were taught to fear many things, but not necessarily in an educational way, more of a complete full on screaming at us of the horrors of what could happen, like getting your fingers slammed in a door could cut your fingers off, swimming in water, you could drown, climbing a tree you could fall out and break something, never ever touch a gun, people die, etc. Dad could go from zero to full on screaming at us in the blink of an eye. We just didn't know if that would also include the belt. There was never a hey, please don't run outside and slam the door because some could get their fingers slammed in or sitting us down to discuss anything.
My dad never used guilt. But my grandma did which is also manipulation and abusive. I could be sitting with my grandma for an afternoon and hardly talk about anything other than her going on about how no one comes to visit her. I tried visiting every day for a week and stopped when one time her response back to me was that I was visiting probably because I want something. I replied, your right, I wanted to spend time with my grandma. So, I stopped going.
Normal is not making you feel bad to get you to do what they want and it's definitely not about tearing you down. Normal is not making you live by fear. Normal is building each other up. Supporting each other. Helping each other reach their dreams. Giving each other confidence, showing each other happiness. It's about understanding, compassion, and empathy.
If someone doesn't treat you with the love and respect you deserve, and you do deserve it, you have every right to insist on it. You have every right to set boundaries and expectations. If your boundaries and expectations are not met, you have every right to choose if you want to allow that person in your life. If you set a boundary and someone chooses not to follow it, that's their choice. You do not need to feel guilty for setting and maintaining boundaries.
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